On meditation, healing though goofy crushes, and the crazy beauty of the path.
It’s been a funny path through the wilderness. I don’t think I’m actually out of the wilderness yet, but I’m beginning to see the path more clearly and enjoy the journey more. Even those giant, dark, tangled root masses of depression and fear that have seemed to block my way have started to retreat from the path itself and become more a part of scenery.
I’m beginning to recover my voice.
It’s a fascinating thing, this rediscovery of myself. I had been required to repress so much of myself when I was in relationships.
I have started a proper formal meditation routine, and that’s been very helpful. I’ve been keeping a journal of my reflections on meditations, parts of which I plan to post here in the future.
I have also found sources of healing and strength in the unlikeliest places. I never could have imagined the positive effects of having goofy crushes on celebrities would have on me in general.
I’ve been crushing on Peter Capaldi and Jackie Chan. Big, goofy, sparkle-eyed, Tumblr-obsessing crushes which I’m enjoying immensely. The crushes are allowing me to learn to love again, in the safest way possible. There’s no real risk, no one to hurt or be hurt by. And to discover that I don’t want or need a romantic relationship with another person in the flesh right now. I had been mourning the loss of companionship so much this last year. And raging against the unfairness of it, desperately jealous of my friends who seem happy in their stable relationships. Depressed by my lack of ability to find a decent partner of my own, and how that made me feel unworthy of any relationship at all. Unworthy even of living.
Someone once told me that what you love in another person can be a reflection of what you love in yourself. Having crushes on celebrities is allowing me to explore that: what do I love about Peter Capaldi? Does that exist within me? Can what I find beautiful about him become part of myself? Can I rediscover my own sense of generosity, my own quick wit, my own enjoyment of my physical being, by seeing them and loving them in Peter Capaldi and Jackie Chan? Can I relearn to inhabit my body, to take proper care of it, to excercise and train by loving what Jackie Chan does with his own body? Can I learn to appreciate and embrace my own goofiness and exuberance by enjoying Jackie Chan’s?
Yes. Yes, I can. And I am.
It’s a bit crazy. A bit beautiful. It’s me, it’s my path, and I’m grateful to be on it, and grateful that there’s no one to push me away from it anymore.
So really, perhaps Peter Capaldi and Jackie Chan are less crushes, than spirit guides.
Yeah, spirit guides. Thanks, guys!
peter capaldi credit: http://geek-news.mtv.com//wp-content/uploads/geek/2013/08/peter-capaldi-tardis-575.jpg
Jackie Chan credit: https://www.facebook.com/jackie/photos/a.98876792317.90092.30382852317/10152367422782318/?type=1&theater