From time to time, I play this mental game where I try to imagine if my boyfriend or girlfriend could have fallen in love at an earlier stage in our lives. Like high school or college. This is probably a pretty normal mental game to play when you’re in a relationship, but for my past two, the conclusions I came to were not positive. For my last relationship before my current one, the conclusion was that she would have been “too cool” to hang out with me in high school or college. Sure, I could be dark and moody and depressive, but I was also full of passion for discovery and exploration and travel. I was a nerd, and fully conscious of that fact, and took great joy and pleasure in it, which I still do to this day. She was… not. Smart, but cool. So while we probably would have moved in similar academic circles, she probably would have found me to be too silly.
Of course, I never mentioned this to her. To do so would have opened me to her dismissiveness or ridicule.
Last night, I had the tables switched up on me. C mentioned that he had been thinking about when he was a young man, super active and strong and “buffed out”, as he put it. But at that time, he also had some major self confidence issues, and he had wondered if he could have attracted me back then. Then, he said, it dawned on him: at that point, I would have only been about 10 years old! AAAAACH! And we had a good laugh at our age difference.
So he’d been thinking if he’d had been a good enough partner for me way back when. Would I have been attracted to him? My heart melted. I had seen pictures of him in his 20’s and 30’s, and he was very handsome, and very strong. Would he have been attracted to me, if I had been in my 20’s or 30’s as well, of course, not my actual age at that time? Apparently yes! How amazing is that?
But that he thought to tell me that he was thinking about it? That’s what is truly wonderful about him, and his emotional bravery – that willingness to be vulnerable, that ability to live in hope – is what I love best in him, and what inspires me to become the best person I can be – for him, for me, for us.