For the past couple of months, I’ve been pretty disciplined about keeping up an exercise routine, and my body is starting to look and feel different. Additionally, I’m in the beginnings of a new relationship, and for me, that means lots of butterflies in the tummy, most of the time. Personally, I can’t fit much food around those butterflies, so I’ve been eating much less in general, and more fresh fruit and vegetables than I had been eating. I feel better, lighter in my heart, more energetic.
And my body is starting to look a bit different too.
On the one hand, I’m so happy to look down and my hands and wrists and see more definition and less puffiness. They look like my arms again. Strong but graceful.
Does that mean I disliked they way I looked before? I want to say I was ok with how I looked, I had come to accept it, and that’s true up to a point. But then again, I feel more like I’m looking at myself, my arms, when I look down and see my less puffy wrists. Perhaps that’s mostly an artifact of history, that I’d had stronger, more defined, arms for longer than not.
And I’m losing enough weight that my pants are all feeling looser. That makes me happy. But again – does this mean I was unhappy at a larger size?
I had come to accept my size for what it was. It didn’t define me, my size 16-18 body was/is my body, and I love it for all the amazing things it can do – high kicks, long horse’s stance times, crazy dancing.
Now I have to keep that in mind, and not fall into the trap of feeling like I’m a better person now that I’ve dropped a size. That’s a big trap in this culture, huge, deep trap. Easy to fall into. Very difficult to get out of.
I am building a bridge and a net with my meditation practice to keep me from falling into that trap, and into the well of depression and self-doubt that be found when I cling to external things like body size for a sense of self-worth. By cultivating acceptance and love, accepting impermanence, and cultivating my beginner’s mind, I think I can make a pretty strong bridge, and weave a good safety net for when I have a bad day and fall a bit.
This place in my life I’m in right now is full of flux, lots of changes of all sorts are happening right now and it’s difficult sometimes to feel grounded and safe. But that, in itself, is ok. Even hurricanes don’t last forever. But this is one storm that, while intense, is washing out a lot of built up trash, helping it break down and become fertile mud to plant seeds of wisdom and happiness in.